Vu krikhst du mit dayn krume fis?

This expression could be put to excellent use by the judges on American Idol during those painful but oh-so-entertaining preliminary rounds of auditions. Just think of all those talentless contestants who naively attempt to ascend the Everest that is Simon Cowell’s “good side,” despite their metaphorically twisted tootsies! Or better yet, couldn’t we put our voracious voyeurism aside and spare these lame luftmenschen the humiliation? Would it not be a mitzvah to lend each hapless hopeful a straight-talking Bubbe who could employ this expression—one seemingly benign question—to swiftly squash their wildly misguided dreams? Like a Band-Aid. One motion. Right off!

And yes, it would mean the end of the show, but I’m more of a fan of The Voice anyway. Either way, don’t fret over Ryan Seacrest losing his job—I think his 63 other projects could sustain him.

Appropriate usage?

At 6:18 AM, Deborah’s eyes shot open and her heart began to race at the permeating stench of burnt toast. My G-d! I’m having a stroke! she thought. As she searched what she was sure was her now-failing brain for the details of that Dr. Oz episode in which he talked about what to do in this very situation—Why didn’t I take notes?!—her left arm flailed about in search of her husband, Barry, on his side of the bed. Her attempts yielded nothing but tangled bedsheets. Typical! I’m having a stroke and he picks today of all days to be Mr. Up-And-At-’Em?!? Just then, it dawned on her: It was Sunday. Mother’s Day. Oy vey.

Deborah took deep breaths to steady her still-pounding heart and rehearsed her most surprised and delighted expression as she headed downstairs. When she stood at the threshold of her barely recognizable kitchen, and, in the moments before she was noticed, Deborah tried to take in the scene before her: It appeared as though every pot, plate, appliance, and utensil that they owned—Is that the gravy boat?!—had been used in one form or another. The contents of their fridge and pantry now covered every available surface—including her husband and young daughters, Sophie and Sarah (who, to top things off, had dressed themselves in their prettiest party clothes for the occasion)!

Sophie: “Maaaaa! We were gonna surprise you in bed!! Ugh!”

As she shot a look to Barry, Deborah addressed her schmear-covered children. ...

Deborah: “Oh my bubbelehs! I just couldn’t wait, everything smells so good!”

Sarah: “AND! While you eat, Daddy’s gonna do laundry for you!!!”

At that announcement, Deborah spun around to catch Barry heading for the basement….

Deborah: “Freeze! Where are you climbing with your crooked feet? Breakfast is more than enough, you don’t want to spoil me ... or our clothes for that matter! Now let’s eat!”

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