Afh yenems tukhes is gut sepatchen.
This proverb not only tells a literal truth (I mean, how can one be expected to perform as well when one can’t even see one’s target? Well, yes, I suppose one could position oneself before a three-way mirror, but think of the planning that would entail and the reactions from the innocent triers-on in the fitting room! Not to mention the fact that achieving the proper force behind a smack requires significant wind up, a maneuver that is severely limited during self-inflicted spanking. Oh! And let’s not forget that no matter how committed one is, no matter how intent one is on treating oneself to the flogging of a lifetime, the instinct for self-preservation invariably wins out at the last moment and curbs the smacker’s well-intentioned efforts!), but it also doles out a healthy dose of figurative truth as well.
Sarah asked Ruthie to meet her for coffee at their usual place, but unbeknownst to Ruthie this meeting would take place under some highly unusual circumstances. Ruthie knew something was wrong the second she saw the 24-ounce double-mocha caramel latte with extra whip sitting in front of her best friend.
Ruthie: “Sarah! What’s happened?! Talk to me!”
Sarah: “Oh Ruthie! I don’t know how I’m going to tell you this. ...”
Ruthie: “What is it, Sar? You can tell me anything!”
Sarah: “Well ... I have a serious moral dilemma. I was tossing and turning all night over it and I just had to talk to you. I know we’ve discussed this before, as a hypothetical, but I need to ask you again: what would you do if you suspected—if, if you thought maybe someone was … cheating? Would you—”
Ruthie: “That momzer!!! Oh, Sarah! You broke things off with him, right?? You can’t roll over for this one, I won’t let you! And forget proof, a woman’s instincts are everything! You need to tell him where he can go! No questions!”
Sarah: “Ruthie, wait, you don’t—”
Ruthie: “Sarah! Stop right there! I know you, and I know that you shy away from confrontation, but come on! What does your gut tell you? You have to trust that, Sarah! He’s no good! I never told you this because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but he always rubbed me the wrong way. I never trusted him, and now look! A cheater!”
Sarah: “What?! Ruthie! I’m not talking about David! I can’t believe you think—never mind! This is not about David and me, it’s about you and Thomas. I’m sorry, Ruthie, but I saw him outside of Nordstrom yesterday kissing some shiksa half his age!”
Ruthie: “What??! You’re obviously mistaken! Even if—no, there’s got to be a simple explanation for—wait! Were you even wearing your glasses? You know you can’t see a thing without them. And don’t tell me you were squinting! I don’t want to hear it!”
Sarah: “Ruthie!! Listen to yourself! What happened to a ‘woman’s instincts’?! When you thought I was talking about David—”
Ruthie: “That’s, that’s just different! Thomas would never cheat on me! You can’t just go throwing around accusations without proof! As if I would throw away a year-and-a-half because of something you thought you saw!! How dare you!”
After an impressively dramatic exit by Ruthie, Sarah picks up the calorie-laden drink she’d bought for her friend and thinks to herself with a sigh. …
Sarah: “Like Daddy always said, Someone else's ass is easy to smack.”