Blog

Vayz a khazer a finger vil er di gantse hant.

I guess it’s fair to say that we Jews have a serious beef with the pig. Even the most sheltered gentile is aware that the pig serves as the poster-animal for all things trayf. But why? The Torah states in Leviticus (11:3):

“Whatsoever parts the hoof, and is clovenfooted [and] chews the cud, among the beasts, that shall you eat.”

The case against pork is laid out not once, but twice in the Torah, in both Leviticus and Deuteronomy. (Presumably to eliminate the possibility of this facet of Kashrut being dismissed as a typo. I mean, come on! First circumcision and now this?!) I can hear you now: “But wait! Pigs do have cloven feet! That must count for something! Next stop Hormel Headquarters!” Nice try but no such luck. Evidently the tasty goodness of pork was already common knowledge in Biblical times and so poor Piglet was singled out just a few lines later in Leviticus (11:7):

“And the chazer though he divide the hoof, and be cloven hoofed, yet he chews not the cud; he [is] tamei to you.”

So alas, at Kosher breakfast tables everywhere Jews are choking down matte morsels of turkey bacon while the rest of the world wallows in porcine paradise. (Well, except Muslims. Speaking of which, couldn’t our shared hog-deprivation unite us? I guess that’s another conversation entirely. ...) Kosher Jews living in the USA especially have to muster a level of willpower that warrants kudos from Gandhi himself. Just turn on the Food Network and you’ll find evidence that Americans are currently in the midst of a serious love affair with the pig, from roasting it whole to sprinkling its rendered bits on cupcakes to—oh yes—battering and deep frying it. …

Is that freedom I smell?

Not to launch into a full-on kvetch session, but our suffering doesn’t stop at porcine privation. Several of what are considered to be America’s tastiest treats are also off-limits to Kosher Jews. For instance, Kosher New Englanders must go a lifetime without lobster, and Kosher southerners (there must be some, right?) have to order their grits sans shrimp. That’s not to say that we don’t give in to temptation (imitation crab meat can’t possibly sustain all of us forever!) Sheer curiosity alone, not to mention the resurgence of the mystical McRib (although the Jury’s still out on its actual pork content), has sent many of us tumbling off the wagon to sample our first taste of the taboo. With all this said, it’s no wonder that so few modern American Jews like myself keep a Kosher house these days (15% of us to be exact—I feel so special!).

Temptation aside however, for many Jews the question of how relevant these dated dicta are to our modern lives is enough to put the kibosh on Kosher completely. But for those of us who fall somewhere in the middle of the Kosher spectrum, the question of relevance is eclipsed by a desire, a choice, to honor tradition in an effort to ground ourselves by achieving a greater connection with G-d, our ancestors, our culture, or a mishmash of all three. Our love of symbolism and respect for knowledge allows those of us who choose to do so to carry on traditions while embracing science and modern knowledge. In fact, new and challenging information doesn’t threaten our connection with these rituals, but, rather, it strengthens it by enriching our understanding of the past. Historians have helped us to grasp how these seemingly arbitrary rules about hooves and cud, along with most other Biblical directives, were born more from the sensible than the sacred. For instance, when it comes to the pig, many modern secular sources propose that our distaste of the animal is rooted in the fact that, though not stipulated as such in Kashrut, the animal consumes far more than it provides as a food source. But what else should we expect from a pig? (A reputation that dates back to Biblical times must be hard to shake!)

Accurate or not, this hypothesis hints at the reasons behind the cautionary quip in question. While the Torah only proclaims we must pass on the pork, this proverb warns that the pig’s impropriety prevails well beyond the bounds of the dinner plate. While most modern Jews wouldn’t balk at bingeing on boar, it’s the animal’s own insatiable appetite that makes this proverb still relevant today. Kosher or not, one would be ill-advised to hobnob with a hungry hog. If only poor Kermit would have gotten the message in time. ...

Appropriate usage?

Rona is 20 minutes late to meet her husband David for supper and the traffic is terrible. By the time she arrives, David has eaten his way through two-and-a-half complementary bread baskets. …

Rona: “Oh Darling! I’m so sorry I’m so very late! You must be starving to death!”

David: “I would be if it weren’t for this damn bread! They just keep bringing it. ... I feel like the Hindenburg. What happened to you?”

Rona: “Oh David, you know all that starch is going to bind you up. We’ll have to stop for—”

David: “Rona, dear. Enough with the prunes. All they do is give me gas and I can’t bear the cliché! I’m old. I get it. But I have to draw the line somewhere! It’s enough that we’ll consider this a ‘late’ supper when it’s still well before 6 o’clock. Meanwhile, you never answered my question—nu, zog shoyn, my tuchus is asleep and I’m not long behind it!”

Rona: “Ugh! Vos zol ikh makhen? I spent the afternoon with that chaleria, Roberta Liebovitz!”

David: “Do I have pumpernickel in my ears or are you meshugga?”

Rona: “Ugh, I can be such a shnook sometimes—”

David: [reaches for a piece of rye] “You said it, I didn’t.”

Rona: [slaps his hand away, gives him a look] “I had no choice! She cornered me after our last Hadassah meeting and gave me the usual guilt trip. She’s ‘an old widow with no children and a bum leg.’ Boy, that’s one magic injury! I’ve never seen a limp alternate legs depending on the day! She said it would just take 15 minutes.” [shakes her head] “She just needed a ride to the chiropodist. I should have known! Next thing I know, I’m carrying her dry cleaning through the grocery store (because G-d forbid it gets a fold hanging in the back seat!) while she pushes a cart up and down every… single… one… of those aisles at a snail’s pace! I thought my arm was going to fall off! The only reason I got out of going into her Bermuda Triangle of an apartment to hang some fakata picture was because I told her you were deathly allergic to cats and so I couldn’t risk getting hair on me ... which, by the way, means you’ll have to work on your fake sneezes before Saturday services. You know her seat is right behind ours. Oy, what was I thinking? A master thespian, you are not … she’ll never buy it! Here, hand me some of those pepper packets, I’ll keep them in my purse just in case.”

David: “I can’t believe you’re involving me in this! Next you’ll have me fake a heart attack, G-d forbid! What, are we gonna rent a hospital room for the sake of authenticity? Rona, how many times do I have to say it? Show a pig a finger and he'll want the whole hand.”

Shop for this Yiddish proverb!

Shop for all gifts that celebrate this quote in our store! 

Vos a shtik fleish mit tsvei oygn.

We Jews put our meat through an ordeal so grueling it would make even the most hardened Harvard applicant sweat. As absurd as it sounds, there are actually some strong parallels to be drawn between these two infamously rigorous processes:

1. A whole slew of unworthy candidates are dismissed right off the bat; solid-hoofers, “D” students, and bottom feeders need not apply!
2. Officials confirm that both anxious applicants have enjoyed an upbringing that could survive the closest scrutiny (vegetarian diets and extracurriculars are a must!).
3. Both the Kosher meat and Ivy League contenders must have “graduated” (from this mortal coil and high school, respectively) with the highest of honors.

With this said however, before all you eager cockeyed-college candidates take this analogy and run with it, there is one rather large discrepancy: While it’s imperative that Kosher meat candidates chew their cud, I would strongly discourage any gum-chewing during your interview process! OK, so my comparison may have some holes. I’m certainly not going to suggest that both processes share a ritualistic throat-slitting procedure ... but I have heard some things, and the rumors suggest that Shochets, our revered Kosher slaughterers, could teach admissions personnel a thing or two about humane practices!

So, with all this time and effort invested in our meat—all you very mature adults who are now snickering, let’s just try and get through this with a modicum of dignity, shall we? I’m dodging innuendoes left and right in this article!—you’re probably thinking that, coming from us, the supposed insult housed in this particular proverb doesn’t sound so bad. Well, not really. …

Laws of Shechitah aside, at the end of the day, kosher or not, a piece of meat is still just a piece of meat. It just kind of sits there. Other than its colossal contributions to the pastrami sandwich, meat doesn’t serve much of a purpose, especially when compared to human beings … well, except those of us who are deserving of this insult.

Appropriate usage?

Ruthie found herself compulsively checking the grandfather clock in the living room as she angrily went through the motions of folding laundry. She couldn’t believe it was half-past-two and her batlen of a son was still asleep. Three days into his two-week suspension, Jake, a junior in high school, was on the fast-track to Shnorror-ville. Ruthie’s mind raced. ...

Ruthie: “He’d better write that letter of apology to Mr. Elmwick. I can’t believe I raised such a disrespectful son! It’s only October and he’s already suspended! How many suspensions is it until expulsion, two or three? Oh G-d, let it be three! I can’t believe this is what I’m dreaming of for my son! His cousins are pre-med and he’s going to get kicked out of high school! Oh, I can’t bear it! What a shonda!!! Well, that’s it!”

She physically punctuates this exclamation at the expense of a pair of her husband, Frank’s, briefs.

Ruthie: “If he’s not going to be in school, then he’s sure as hell going to get a job! But who will hire a high school drop-out!? Oyf mir gezogt gevorn! ‘Drop-out’ implies that he took action!!! Didn’t Frank’s cousin’s boy work at McDonald’s for a summer? I’ll have to ask Deborah … oh G-d, is that her name? ‘Deborah’? She always wears those ridiculous cardigans with ducks all over them. ... Why can’t I remember her name? I’m too young to be forgetting names this often. Yesterday with the pharmacist and now Frank’s cousin!?! Those pharmacists should really wear name tags! They probably refuse, bunch of gantzeh k’nockers! Even stock-boys who never leave the back wear name tags! I wonder if you need your high school diploma to be a stock boy? Oy vey. How did we get here? It’s all that Marcus’ fault, that gonif! Ever since Jake started hanging out with him, I barely recognize him! My own son! Oh G-d! What if he and Marcus go on to big-time things?! I’ll wind up with a convict for a son! Like that boy from Temple. Oh G-d, what’s his name!? The Rosenbaum’s boy ... ugh! I have to ask Ma if Alzheimer’s runs in the family. This can’t be normal! I’m 42! What time is it?? 2:53!?!? That’s it! I’m going up there!!”

Ruthie storms up the stairs and throws open her son’s bedroom door. ...

Ruthie: “Jacob Aaron Saltzer! Get up! I’m not going to have you lying in bed all day like You’re a piece of meat with two eyes!”

Jake: [muffled] “Come on, Ma. Ten more minutes.”

Shop for this Yiddish curse!

Shop for all gifts that celebrate this quote in our store! 

Me ken nit iberloifen di levoneh.

Many modern-day Jews are unaware that the moon is an important and controversial figure in Jewish lore. Historically, our glamorous satellite has stood as a symbol for everything from G-d’s visible throne, to pure love, to the Jewish people themselves, as well as the very embodiment of Shekhinah, G-d’s feminine side. But above all else, Madame Moon has demonstrated some serious chutzpah!

She asserts herself right from the get-go when, in Act 1, Scene 1 of Genesis, she debuts with a bang in a rather tense scene—one that would prompt my pathologically-non-confrontational husband to assume the fetal position. Here, the moon tries to school G-d on his redundancy in making “two great lights,” and she actually winds up teaching the Holy One a lesson. How’s that for “all that (snap, snap, snap) and a bag of chips?” This early display of fortitude is no doubt why Lilith, our first fierce and fabulous feminist, is considered a dark moon goddess. For those of you unfamiliar with this lady, Lilith is a deliciously scandalous figure in Jewish Folklore. Lean in while, G-d forgive me, I lay down some lashon hara. …

You see, it turns out Eve was not Adam’s first wife. Shocking, I know! Legend has it that Lilith was made from the same earth as Adam, and at the same time. Despite this inherent equality, she was still expected to be subservient to Adam, and, when she refused (you go, girl!), she was banished from Eden and the supposedly-submissive Eve was created in her place. Ironic how the boys got their panties in a twist over Lilith’s backbone but a woman born of Adam’s rib got the couple kicked out of the garden! But I digress. The point is, this fabulous forbear of the Famous Five is just another powerful personification of our mighty moon, and, despite the fact that all these stories may seem irrelevant to our modern lives, they are proof that the Moon has been making waves since the beginning. (Literally.) In fact, the Moon’s staying power is what makes this proverb more relevant now than ever. After all, what’s more enduring and un-out-runnable than the Moon? Oh dear, I can tell what you’re thinking by that smirk on your face. The Moon sounds a lot like your monstrous mother-in-law?

• Both are older than dirt.
• Both seem to be omnipresent.
• Both will surely outlive us all.
• Not even a motorized cheetah could outrun them for long because, as with the tortoise and the hare, their slow yet relentless motion will eventually overcome.

Hah hah, very clever. I can see you’re quite proud of yourself. (Although I do hope you realize there’s a good chance she’s reading over your shoulder as we speak.)

Appropriate usage?

While her father, Joe, leaves her room to see her mother off to work, Becky takes the opportunity to warm the digital thermometer against the bulb of her bedside light. Moments later she hears Joe’s footsteps on the stairs, and, before shoving the toasty thermometer back in her mouth, she quickly licks her palms (a trick to simulate clammy hands that she learned watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off). Joe perches on the edge of his daughter’s bed with a dubious look on his face. [beep beep beeeep] He removes the thermometer from Becky’s exaggerated pout and glances at the readout. …

Joe: “Becky, this sudden illness is very strange. You were well enough to go to Shelly's party last night. Maybe that is where you caught this dreadful disease? Perhaps we should skip the doctor and go straight to the Emergency Room. G-d forbid we take any chances!”

Becky: “You’re not buying this are you, Dad?”

Joe: “Not for a minute. Why do you want to miss school, Beck? It can’t be a test, I never see you without a book.”

Becky: [tears up] “Dad, I can’t ever go back to school! I just can’t! I’ll die if I go back! I’ll just die!” [crying]

Joe: “Becky, that’s meshuggeneh! You have to go to school! What could have possibly happened in the last 18 hours to turn you into a hermit?!”

Becky: “Everything, Dad! Everything!” [crying] “Can’t we move? I’ll go to a different school! Come on, Dad! Mom can be a lawyer anywhere and you’re just a Dad—sorry! You know what I mean! Please!??!?”

Joe: “Becky, be rational. Talk to me! Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. There’s a solution to everything.”

Becky: [exhales sharply, resigned] “Fine, I’ll tell you, but there’s no way to fix my life being totally ruined. ... Last night? At Shelly’s? I finally got up the nerve to talk to Thomas; you know, that boy from Math I was telling you about? Well, we’re talking and I don’t remember what I said, but then all of a sudden Barry Gershel, that jerk, dumped a soda down my back and Dinah said she thinks she saw Thomas kind of laugh!!! See?!?! I can never face him or anyone at school ever again!! I just can’t!!!”

Joe: “Oh Becky, honey. I know you won’t believe me but even if Thomas did laugh, which could’ve been just a reflex or out of nerves, I promise you, your life is not ruined! You’re 14, G-d willing you have a long and beautiful life ahead of you, and I promise that in a week’s time nobody will remember what happened at Shelly’s. You have to face this, my love. The longer you hide at home, the scarier it’s going to be to go back to school. (And before you say anything, you have to go back to this school.) I know this seems like the end of the world to you, sweetheart, but I promise, even you will forget all about this in time. Besides, you know what Zeyde always says: You can’t outrun the moon.”

Becky: “I know, Dad. I’m just scared. I’m sorry I lied about being sick. By the way, how did you know?”

Joe: “You’re running a fever of 124.”

Shop for this Yiddish proverb!

Shop for all gifts that celebrate this quote in our store! 

Vaksn zolstu vi a tsibele mitn kop in dr'erd!

Jews have a long history with the onion. This piquant bulb actually held great esteem in Ashkenazi society, and has therefore inspired some fittingly pungent expressions. One of the most well known Yiddish curses—onion-related or otherwise—is the one in question. Believe it or not, this is actually an abbreviated version of the curse—perfect for shouting out your car window at dangerously distracted drivers! The most common full version ends with:

Yiddish

“ [...] un dis fis aroyf!”

English:

“ [...] and your feet in the air!”

I would think this addition states the obvious and is therefore superfluous, but to each his own! The most curious version of this notorious curse concludes with:

Yiddish:

“ […] di fis in shpitol, un di hent in kloyster!”

English:

“ […] your feet in the hospital, and your hands in a church!”

This addition is especially harsh considering there are perhaps no two more unappealing places for a Jew to find himself:

• The church, for obvious and hopefully antiquated reasons.
• The hospital because, as I’ve mentioned in other articles, to a Jew, health is paramount.

This most verbose version is a masterpiece as it employs the element of surprise to add injury to insult, so to speak. It’s believed that, because of the aforementioned prominence of the onion in Jewish society, the curse’s target would be not only unfazed but completely disarmed by the first part, and thus left all the more vulnerable to the one-two punch of the second and third parts. History and an Ashkenazi affinity for the onion aside, to the modern cursee the abbreviated version is more than sufficient. Hey, I like an onion as much as the next gal, but I certainly wouldn’t take lightly the idea of spending an eternity doing a headstand in the dirt!

Perhaps you Yoga-enthusiasts have a different opinion? Do tell!

Appropriate usage?

Ilene and Gloria are trying desperately to get their husbands to at least look at each other following a particularly devastating game of bridge at the senior center. …

Ilene: “Larry! You and Jacob have been bridge partners and, more importantly, best friends for 35 years! You can’t let this stupid game come between you!”

Gloria: [whispering to Ilene] “Not a good start, Ilene; as much as we think it’s ridiculous, they live for that ‘stupid game.’” [out loud to the men] “You’re behaving like children! I refuse to believe that you survived thousands of wins and losses together, in life and in that game, and you’re going to throw it away over one bad bid?! That’s just plain meshuggeneh!”

[silence]

Ilene: “You really have nothing to say to each other?”

Jacob: [turning to his recently-proclaimed ex-partner and -friend] “I have something to say: May you grow like an onion with your head in the ground!”

Larry: [bitterly] “I’ll see you there, old friend!”

Both men storm out and the women are left to roll their eyes in peace. …

Ilene: “Well, we tried. Now let’s have a nosh. All this mediation’s got me starving!”

Shop for this Yiddish curse!

Shop for all gifts that celebrate this quote in our store! 

In a tsholnt un in a shidukh kukt men nit tsufil arayn.

“There’s nothing like a home-cooked meal!” We’re all familiar with this evocative sentiment. It no doubt brings to mind images of the archetypal Italian grandmother shooing her salivating kin out of her kitchen so she can toil away on her tiptoes for hours at the stove, tweaking her famous tomato sauce.

Well, I hate to call out the Emperor for being without his clothes, but not everyone’s grandmother can cook. Believe me, I know! To me, that image is as foreign and fanciful as that of Mr. Claus and his minion of mercurial munchkins. I myself was not blessed with a gastronomically gifted grandma (although she could schmear schmear like nobody’s business). You see, with Bubbes especially, it can be a real crapshoot. Some have it and some don’t. (To be fair, the fact that they’re saddled with staples such as liver and onions and a roster of ingredients that includes matzah farfel puts them at a serious disadvantage.)

But regardless, clichés are born of someone’s truth, if not necessarily my own. Somewhere out there exists a variety of matriarch whose culinary wizardry is so abounding that her offspring are compelled to utter the above sentiment without a trace of sarcasm ... fascinating.

Will all this said, there is perhaps no greater litmus test (a fitting analogy considering the potential for acid reflux) for a Bubbe’s skills in the kitchen than the infamous Cholent. For those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the dish, Cholent is a meat stew born of Shabbat restrictions. Because Jewish law prohibits us from lighting a fire on the Sabbath, this stew is assembled ahead of time then simmered for at least 12 hours and usually eaten for kiddush. Sounds appetizing, doesn’t it? The truth is, this dish can be quite literally a recipe for disaster.

1. As a rule, a nosh born of necessity rather than flavor is often a clinker (think matzah).
2. Since Cholent is constructed at the week’s end, many cooks see this as an opportunity to clear out their fridge of its dregs and, as a result, odd combinations of limp veggies, leftovers, and unidentifiable trimmings often form the base of this brew.
3. The misconception that no matter how mismatched the ingredients, if they simmer together in a stove-top schvitz long enough (remember, this concoction traditionally cooks for at least half a day), everything will work itself out. If only!

Regardless, even the most coordinated components are often robbed of their palate-pleasing potential (not to mention discernible texture) after half a day or longer on the fire. In short, it takes one hell of a balaboosta to pull off a tasty Cholent, and with odds like that I’d sooner put my money on the fat man in the red suit. Whether one observes the laws of the Sabbath or not, for many Jews—even secular ones—the tradition of eating Cholent has inexplicably lingered. Much like the very stench generated by my grandmother’s recipe.

Given the risk involved with Cholent, you’ve probably concluded that this proverb, with its comparison between our meat stew and all engaged couples, is among our harshest. It may surprise you but even I think this particular saying is unfairly biased toward the cynical. While it may be true that some betrothed, like some Cholents, should only be approached after a generous glass or three of Manischewitz, there are plenty of engaged couples who could easily stand up to even the closest scrutinizing, and, all joking aside, the same is true of plenty of meat stews. With this said however, we should certainly not dismiss this metaphor. Quite the opposite, in fact. It’s because of the existence of such a duality that the comparison is especially appropriate. The proverb’s slanted statement doesn’t make it wrong, just not completely right. With engaged couples, as with meat stews, there’s a lot of risk involved; sometimes it works and sometimes it gives you an ulcer. The truth is, in both cases, ingredients (be they meat and veggies, or lovers and in-laws) are thrown in a pot (literally or metaphorically) and left to simmer in the hopes that the flavors will successfully marry.

Warning: the following disclaimer is uncharacteristically schmaltzy!

It must be said that I am in no way implying there is any correlation between savory cholents and successful engagements. Take me for example, since the Great Scales of my life have balanced out so nicely: my Bubbe’s litmus paper may have burned a fiery red, but my marriage could not be yummier.

Appropriate usage?

Abigail and Jerry are enjoying their evening ritual of dinner and Jeopardy. On tonight’s menu: leftover cholent and The Teen Tournament (both of which Jerry is doing his best to endure). ...

Abigail: “Jerr, guess who I ran into today at Nordstrom’s? Marci’s daughter and that fiance of hers. What a shame. All day I can’t stop thinking about that poor girl ... what could she possibly see in that Trombenik? She’s a doctor, and he? He’s at Nordstrom’s on a Tuesday afternoon, letting her buy him a suit! And the whole time we’re talking, he’s got one eye on his reflection!! Useless! That poor girl! And Marci, my G-d! What a shonda! I tell you, Jerry, I don’t get it!”

Jerry: “It’s like my grandfather used to say, With a meat stew, as with an engaged couple, one does not look too closely.”

Abigail: “I see what you did there, Jerr. You’re a regular Jackie Mason. So eat with your eyes closed if you don’t like the looks of it!”

Shop for this Yiddish proverb!

Shop for all gifts that celebrate this quote in our store! 

Di libeh is zis, mit broit iz zi besser.

Our culture is up to its eyeballs in age-old debates, arguments over which we would not hesitate to go to the mattresses:

• The Beatles vs. The Stones
• Superman vs. The Hulk (shout out to Ben for this reference!)
• Deep dish vs. Thin crust
• Soup as a snack vs. Soup as a meal
• Etc.

But perhaps the most contentious quarrel has been over the question,”Who loves carbs more, Italians or Jews?” Now obviously I’m biased, so I’m not going to enter the fray… but I have prepared a brief list for your consideration.

Top 7 Reasons Why There Is No Contest: Jews Love Their Carbs More Than Anyone

1. We’ll go a lifetime without bacon but can’t be without bread for more than a week in the spring. And even then we have to fill the void by shmearing butter onto glorified cardboard.
2. Speaking of which, one of our most revered feats was surviving 40 years in the desert without the yeasty fix. So revered in fact that we made the commemoration of our endurance into a big-time holiday. (But not so revered that we’d be willing to go without for longer than a week. Come to think of it, for all we know Moses and the Israelites were only in the desert for a fortnight but it felt like 40 years in the absence of bread. That’s love.)
3. Challah bread is the honored guest at Shabbat dinner (one of the most important observances for Jews), and the climactic blessing is said over the infant-sized, luscious loaf. She’s made with a hen house worth of eggs, dressed up in braids for the occasion, and tastefully covered with a linen napkin prior to the big reveal, so as not to entice eager onlookers.
4. Bagels.
5. The majority of Italian entrees may involve pasta, but we make noodles into a dessert.
6. Rye bread is the ultimate unifier and transcends all cultures and religions. Precarious meetings of heads of state should be held at Katz Deli.
7. The Torah (the book that Jews interpret and reinterpret and debate on end, the study of which being one of the most sacred and important undertakings) states clearly: “If there is no flour, there is no Torah. If there is no Torah, there is no flour.” (Pirkei Avot 3:17) Metaphor, shmetaphor; this is one part of the Torah most Jews choose to take literally.

Well, I think that settles it. For Jews, everything is better with bread, even love … so much so that even the most accomplished Balaboosta will tolerate a few crumbs between the sheets.

Appropriate usage?

Rachel is home from college and she and her mother, Diane, are catching up while setting the table for shabbat dinner. …

Diane: “Rachel, darling, you’re glowing! I haven’t seen you this happy since before you broke up with that klafte of a girl, Alison!”

Rachel: “Ma! You really have to let that go!” [breaking into a smile] “Besides, I met someone!!!!”

Diane: “Oh Rachel! Mazel, my love! I knew it! What did I tell you? Do I know my daughter or what? What am I saying?? Nu, zog shoyn! What is she like?? What do her parents do?? Oh G-d, she’s not another shiksa is she?? As long as I live, I’ll never understand why—”

Rachel: “Ma! Relax! You didn’t blink an eye when I told you I’m a lesbian but you make a federal case if I date someone who isn’t Jewish?! Too much, Ma! Well, you’ll be happy to know her name’s Shoshana and, yes, she’s a nice Jewish girl.”

Diane: “Oh Rachel!!!Oh Rachel, I’m kvelling!! Quick, hand me a napkin. I’m getting all verklempt!!”

Rachel: “Your mascara’s fine, Ma. Anyway, I am so happy. She’s beautiful and has such an amazing heart and she’s so good to me and, oh, I really think I’m falling for her! But Ma, there is something I have to tell you about Shoshana.”

Diane: “I should sit down. I’m sitting down. Oy vey, OK, I’m ready.”

Rachel: “Ma, stop, please, stop fanning yourself, you’re being so dramatic. It’s no big deal. It’s just that Shoshana follows a strict Paleo diet.”

Diane: “A diet?! Who doesn’t! Does it work? What—”

Rachel: “It’s not a weight-loss diet; it’s more like a health philosophy. And, well, I’ve been reading some of the books she has around and it really makes sense to me.”

Diane: “Oh. Dear. G-d. Rachel, look at me. Are there meetings? Does she wear sneakers?? She hasn’t asked you to drink anything, has she?!?”

Rachel: “MA! This is not a cult! It’s a new thing. It’s like being vegetarian or vegan. Celebrities follow it.”

Diane: “Celebrities? Really?”

Rachel: “Yes, mother. Big ones too, like Matthew McConaughey and Jessica Biel.”

Diane: “Ooh! She’s married to my Justin Timberlake! Maybe I could do Paleo!”

Rachel: “The thing is, Ma ... it’s based on evolutionary medicine and the fact that people are fundamentally unchanged since before the dawn of agriculture, and the belief is that the healthiest way to eat is to eat only what the cavemen did.”

Diane: “That’s it? You nearly gave me a heart attack because this amazing, beautiful, loving woman you think you might be falling for eats like Fred Flintstone?? Vos makht iz mir oys?”

Rachel: “Think about it, Ma: hunting and gathering. Not sowing and plowing; no grains.”

Diane: “Grains?! Like carbs!?! I’m sitting down again.”

Rachel: “Ma, you said it yourself, who cares about some diet? I could love this woman!”

Diane: “Love is sweet but it’s nicer to have bread with it. Besides, what are you going to say the blessing over, a head of lettuce?”

Shop for this Yiddish proverb!

Shop for all gifts that celebrate this quote in our store!