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      Blog — Yiddish Proverbs

      What Does “Only In Dreams Are Carrots As Big As Bears" Mean?

      Cartoon depicting the Yiddish quote, “Only In Dreams Are Carrots As Big As Bears"

      Nor in kholem zaynen mern vi bern.

      I can imagine you have a lot of questions. Why, you ask, would anyone need to be reminded of this seemingly obvious fact? And who is the intended audience of this saying? Who might possibly hold a vested interest in the carrot’s growth potential or lack thereof? Was this proverb the resentful and forlorn proclamation of a people suffering through an epidemic of a beta carotene deficiency? Is it possible that the author of this proverb (or someone he loved) had a paralyzing case of Lachanophobia? (Totally a real condition.)

      OK, so both are a little far-fetched. The truth is, we may never know the answers to these questions, but there is one last query that proves more fruitful (well, as fruitful as we’re going to get). The question is: why specifically the carrot and the bear? Why not a turnip and a squirrel? OK, I guess that wouldn’t be a very dramatic comparison. Well, how about a beet and a giraffe, then? The answer is simple and, well I hate to admit it, but, painfully boring. The mystery of this proverb’s particular characters all comes down to the fact that in Yiddish, the words “carrot” and “bear” rhyme. I told you. Cute, but a total snore-fest. Wait! It just occurred to me! What if it wasn’t vegetables the author (or, again, someone he loved) was so deathly afraid of but something far more sinister?! Think about it: if carrots were as big as bears, imagine the rabbits! (Leporiphobia: also a totally real condition.)

      Fun Fact! Alaska’s John Evans and the UK’s Joe Atherton hold the record for the heaviest and longest carrots ever grown, respectively. Both men are featured in The World Carrot Museum. (Also totally a real thing and very much worth checking out.) But despite these men’s impressive achievements, rest assured, my dear phobics, neither carrot came anywhere close to the size of a bear.

      Appropriate usage?

      Halfway through the fourth reading of her favorite bedtime story, little Rebekah is finally drifting off to sleep. Her grandmother closes the well-worn, food-stained book, gently tucks Rebekah in, and turns off the light. Just before tiptoeing out of the room, Bubbe kisses Rebekah on the forehead and softly whispers…

      Bubbe: “Remember, my Bubeleh, Only in dreams are carrots as big as bears.

      Over three decades later, Rebekah, still unhappily single and largely oblivious to the lasting effects of her Bubbe’s seemingly benign ritual, kvetches to yet another therapist…

      Rebekah: “I don’t know what to tell you, Doc; ever since I can remember, if I come within 100 feet of a crudite platter, I start to hyperventilate.”

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      What Does “Dress Up A Broom And It’ll Look Nice Too" Mean?

      Cartoon depicting the Yiddish quote, “Dress Up A Broom And It’ll Look Nice Too"

      Az men tut on sheyn a bezem, iz er oykh sheyn.

      This expression gets right to the point and is as harsh as it is funny. The choice of subject is ripe with intrigue and warrants some exploration.

      Why not an animal? After all, one need not look further than the farm to find fodder for many an unsavory comparison. In recent years, we’ve all been made to picture a lipstick-wearing-pig thanks to a similar expression being batted around the US political arena.

      So, why a broom? Well, first of all, I like to think of this expression as a refreshing nod to an Old World ideal that, sadly, lies in contrast to our modern standards of beauty. Historically, Jewish women are hearty, and Jewish men like them that way. Compared to our shiksa counterparts, Jewish women are often endowed with countless curves and (luckily for our vertically challenged male equivalents) rarely reach heights above five-foot-three. (The Kogan legs are relentlessly, disproportionately short and stout; built for, as my aunt always says, running away from the Cossacks.) Therefore, if the Jewish standard of beauty (dating back to the shtetl) is closer to perfectly round than long and lean, you can begin to see why a broom is a greater insult than a pig or cow. And if this weren’t enough (one-dimensional affronts rarely are), the fact that an inanimate object was chosen as the subject of this expression—the ultimate utilitarian one at that—can only be meant to add salt to the wound. After all, imagine if you were trying to fix up a friend with an unsightly someone, and, when asked what the mysterious date is like, you couldn’t even employ the fall-back avoidance technique: talking up their wonderful personality! Homely and humdrum?! That’s one two-fer even a bargain buff like me would pass up!

      Appropriate usage?

      Frank and Ruthie are reluctantly attending the Bat Mitzvah of a distant cousin’s awkward daughter, Piper…

      Ruthie: “What kind of name is Piper anyway? How are you supposed to know if she’s a boy or girl?”

      Frank: “Well, you couldn’t tell by her figure. ... ”

      Ruthie: “Frank! Hush. [giggle] Can you believe how she read her Torah portion? I thought I was going to nod off. No personality on that one! Well, at least they got her in a skirt and a bit of a heel. Who knew? She doesn’t look bad!”

      Frank:Dress up a broom and it’ll look nice too.

      Ruthie: “Frank! You’re gonna make me split my girdle! Now get me a few more rolls, would you? I still have some room in my purse.”

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      What Does “Every Ass Likes To Hear Himself Bray" Mean?

      Cartoon depicting the Yiddish quote, "Every Ass Likes To Hear Himself Bray"

      Yeder eyzl hot lib tsu hern vi er aleyn hirzhet.

      This wisely dismissive proverb reminds us not to take the musings of others too seriously. Furthermore, the animal choice in this proverb is, as usual, not arbitrary, and implies an important subtext: not only do those doing the musing like to hear themselves opine, but perhaps the value of the rhetoric being brayed—and, by extension, the brayer—needs to be seriously called into question. Why? Because they’re an ass.

      Appropriate usage?

      Adam and his grandfather are playing chess with the evening news droning on in the background. A particularly obnoxious politician appears on the screen and begins asserting views that make young Adam’s naive blood boil. Adam springs to his feet, nearly shattering a bottle of Manischewitz and causing bits of broken glass to be embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag. ...

      Adam: “Zeyde! Can you believe what he’s saying? He’s full of it! Where’s the remote? I can’t take another minute of this!”

      Grandfather: “Sit! Sit! It’s been your move for ages. G-d willing I’ll live to see the end of this game!”

      Adam: “Zeyde, how can you just sit there and listen to this jerk spreading lies?!”

      Grandfather: “Oh Adam. Pay no attention, Every ass likes to hear himself bray. Now play already!”

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